WELLESLEY ISLAND, NY — The Russian navy, in a bold move certain to torpedo hopes for any sort of detente between Vladimir Putin and the West, has today invaded the Thousand Islands. Located in the St. Lawrence River, along the United States-Canada border, this popular tourist area seemed unprepared for the events rapidly unfolding there.
“We were just coming back from getting ice cream,” offered Clara Spleenstone, a year-round resident on the American side of the river, “and all of sudden these boys in sailor suits landed next door to Bob & Edna’s diner, jabbering in what sounded like Russian. They went inside, slapped Bob around, and then started trashing the salad bar. It was crazy.”
On the Canadian side of the river, charter captain Gord Zedsayer first noticed trouble while enjoying his morning coffee at the local Tim Horton’s. “These military-looking fellas came in and started saying ‘we are here for Putin!’ Well, we just assumed they were some dumb-ass tourists trying to find poutine. The cashier kept telling ’em that Tim Horton’s doesn’t have poutine — never has, eh? Well, that just seemed to make ’em madder and they started shooting up the place, yammering something about ‘shitty Canuck salad dressing.’ Of course, that just confused us even more, but we went ahead and laid on the floor like they said.”
This afternoon, a Kremlin spokesman shed some light on the quickly-developing situation when he explained that “the glorious naval forces of Imperial Mother Russia have today launched a series of punitive actions against the United States and Canada. We hope to rid the world of that gastronomic insult the North Americans refer to as ‘Thousand Island dressing.’ As any sane person knows, the only true and sacred manifestation of ketchup, mayonnaise and relish is RUSSIAN dressing. Does anyone order a Reuben sandwich with Thousand Island? Nyet!”
Asked what Russia hoped to achieve by invading this bucolic region of North America, President Putin later offered that his goal was “the utter and complete elimination of Thousand Island dressing and its production facilities, along with any religious sites devoted to its veneration.” As of this evening, defense analysts were still trying to decipher the meaning of the latter reference.
In a joint statement, U.S. President Biden and Canadian Prime Minister Trudeau vowed to “repel the forces of gelatinous salad toppings and naked aggression with a concerted, bilateral use of defense assets and proper cutlery. This violation of our venerated soil and proud, leafy greens will not stand unpunished.” American and Canadian troops were observed setting up buffet lines and steam tables along their shared border. On Wall Street, vegetable oil futures rose to all-time highs.
Meanwhile, across the Atlantic, French troops were being mobilized in what was seen as a preemptive move. President Emmanuel Macron indicated that “ze French dressing has none of ze relish, no? But still, we fear ze barbaric Russian invaders and their filthy salad toppings. We will defend our tangy dressings until ze last man. Vive la France! Vive les condiments!”