Chinese Spy Balloon Shootdown Goes Awry Over U.S. East Coast; Craft Much Larger Than Initially Thought

Jim Bob Piwnicki
Jim Bob Piwnicki
Trained the old way, by semi-literate men with crappy typewriters, hopped up on benzedrine and Chesterfields, Piwnicki now fancies himself a real reporter. Whatever.

LAKEHURST, NJ — After tracking an apparent Chinese spy balloon on its slow journey across American airspace, the Air Force yesterday attempted to shoot down the craft as it exited via the U.S. East Coast. Initially thought to have safely crashed somewhere just off the Carolina shore after being deflated by a missile from an F-22 fighter aircraft, it became apparent today that the Air Force may have not been entirely truthful in relating how events unfolded.

The initial footage shared by news media showed a large, round balloon, roughly the size of two school buses, toting a large communications array. President Biden had hesitated to order it shot down, fearing collateral damage to civilian assets. These initial images and reports indicated a craft not unlike a weather balloon, unmanned, purportedly Chinese, and posing no immediate threat to American lives or property. As reported by news sources, the craft was attacked and disabled as it floated east over the Atlantic coast over the southeastern United States.

The Chinese were quick to issue angry reactions to the seemingly aggressive action by the U.S., vowing to “unleash bad weather, virulent viruses and spoiled snake meat” in response. Biden, for his part, initially scoffed at China’s ability to mount any sort of military response. Today, however, events seemed to be accelerating beyond anything disclosed initially by either nation. With developing news today from New Jersey, it was becoming clear that a much larger Chinese aerial assault had occurred.

First photos from Lakehurst Maxfield Field, formerly known as Lakehurst Naval Air Station, showed the flaming wreckage of a giant airship of some sort, apparently shot down as it attempted to collect intelligence near this joint military facility located roughly halfway between Philadelphia and New York City. “Oh, the humanity,” lamented an anonymous radio journalist who was one of the first on the scene, “it’s a terrific crash!” It wasn’t clear to others, however, that humans were even involved, and it certainly didn’t seem all that terrific, given the fire, smoke and toxic fumes emanating from the crash site, but everyone present seemed to agree that something gigantic had crashed, and that it was Chinese in origin.

The craft, from initial observations, seems to have been over 800 feet in length, and filled with hydrogen gas. The Chinese, when confronted with this new development, admitted that one of their new “floating scientific research and friendly commerce vessels” was operating in the area at the time of the crash. “It called ‘zepperin,’ and strictly for peaceful purposes,” said Wang Chung Kabelsky, spokesman for the Chinese news agency Xinhua. “You now shoot down two of People’s private property. You owe for both. You pay now. Then you die.”

U.S. Air Force Major General James “Little Jimmy” Doolittle VI, dismissing the official Chinese explanation, proposed that “its a freaking dirigible. It was full of spy stuff. We took it down with antiaircraft fire. Or maybe an air-to-air missile. Anyway, what a goddamn mess!” Asked if there were more of these giant Chinese spy ships on their way to American airspace, Doolittle added that “we hope so. You shoot one of these freakin’ things down, and an hour later, you feel like shooting down more.”

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