TAMPA, FL — After 23 seasons as one of the greatest quarterbacks in the game’s history, Tom Brady is retiring from professional football. The announcement came as Brady was traveling to a “secret location” for one of his annual retreats of spa treatments, vitamin injections and experimental electric shock therapies that have marked his last decade or so of off-season training.
Doctors have long considered Brady something of an anatomical marvel, given both his longevity and his ability to perform at the highest level well into his forties. Most of what keeps Brady young is a closely-guarded secret, known only to a handful of high-priced Beverly Hills doctors and rain forest tribal shamans. What little has been divined includes the strictest of diets and the most bizarre forms of holistic remedies. Brady has flourished well into middle age not only by using the most exotic creams, pomades, poultices, preparations and surgeries, but also through incantations, spells and — in at least one report — the sacrifice of a small child to G’ndruthu, an obscure Amazonian deity reputed to offer immortality in return for blind devotion.
“He’s beyond a ‘medical miracle’ in my eyes,” said Dr. Ali El-Kabong, an anti-aging specialist from suburban Boston. “He used to be a patient of mine, and I can tell you unequivocally that the Tom Brady you see now contains less than four percent of the player drafted by the Patriots in 2000. He’s had so many transplants, upgrades, tweaks and modifications that I’d categorize him as a freak. A Frankenstein’s monster, if you will. It is, however, all marvelous work. The 96 percent that isn’t Tom anymore? That’s been used as spare parts to maintain Sylvester Stallone.”
To honor Brady’s legacy, the NFL has announced that the sixth round of the annual player draft will be re-named the “Brady Round.” Brady, of course, was famously overlooked by every team during the 2000 NFL Draft until he was picked — almost as an afterthought — in that round by the New England Patriots. In a twist, the NFL has decided that this sixth, Brady Round will be held before the first round of upcoming drafts.
In a clarification, Commissioner Roger Goodell has indicated that the Brady Round will still be considered the sixth round, despite it being held before the first round. “So, we should just act like it’s the first round?” asked Lions general manager Brad Holmes. “I mean, we’ll still take the best player available, right? And just pretend it’s the sixth round?”
When told of Holmes’ confusion, Goodell replied “for Christ’s sake, listen! It’s the SIXTH round, but it’s FIRST! Yes! Take the good players right away! Which, in this case, will be in the sixth round. What’s important is that you understand that drafting big college stars in the first round will just cost the league too much money. The sixth round guys get hardly any money, so this should work out great.”
Goodell offered a final missive to team executives. “Remember, fellas. Draft those big stars in the new, improved sixth round. Just like you did with Brady. Hell, he didn’t make any real money for years.”