PARIS, FRANCE — The United States has petitioned the International Olympic Committee to have competitive mass shooting included as a medal event at the upcoming summer games to be held here in 2024.
In the wake of still another incident involving a lone gunman, a semi-automatic weapon and multiple, seemingly random victims, the timing of the request seems either serendipitous or bizarre. The smoke had barely cleared from the most recent mass shootings on the campus of Michigan State University when the U.S. Olympians made their announcement, and backlash from anti-gun activists was immediate. Others were less forthcoming with criticism of the move.
“Thank God the shooter was an amateur,” opined D’Andre Jockman, a transfer student from Midwest Polytechnic and a walk-on for the MSU Spartans basketball team. “At least he’ll still have Olympic eligibility.” The shooter, 43-year-old Anthony Dwayne McRae, indicated that he had some prior experience in shooting as an intramural gunman in high school, and would welcome inclusion on an American team entry.
Erstwhile rock star, gun advocate and stupidity apologist Ted Nugent, interviewed on his “Gun Sports, Blood Sports and Just Plain Sports” podcast, mused that perhaps Americans “are finally becoming comfortable with the idea of shooting stuff as everyday behavior. I mean, you can get dinner, revenge and a real sense of self-satisfaction for the price of a box of decent rimfire cartridges. Pussies, of course, will argue with ol’ Wango Tango Ted on this, but they’re all snowflake pansy libtards.”
The National Rifle Association (NRA) issued a statement supporting the inclusion of “manly, American shooting sports in an unfortunately globalist setting. While the Association vehemently disagrees with any fraternization with foreigners and non-Christians, we understand the competitive zeal of red-blooded men and boys who seek victory on an international playing field. In the absence of a decent shooting war, this will have to suffice. Hopefully, Americans will understand that this is simply another fine opportunity to engage in panic buying and paranoid hoarding of multiple firearms.”
Avery Brundage, the late chairman of the IOC, was contacted at his retirement home in Hades, well south of the border here. His opinion of the new sport seemed positive. “Vhen der 1940 Olympics ver cancelled, vee vent ahead and held our own games in occupied Poland. Vell, vhat do you know, der biggest shport den vass der same as diss vun now. Der big, mass murdering mit der guns und der Zyklon.
“Vee vun der event, of course. Our score vuss over six million. Still a record. Vee ver so proud. It seems der Amerikans iss der great sportsmen, too. No?” Brundage’s current thick, Germanic accent is a bit confusing, considering he was born in Detroit and left the present dimension as an American citizen, but one supposes his current surroundings required a bit of adaptation and compromise.