VATICAN CITY — Since at least 1285, those coming into the presence of the Roman Catholic pontiff have followed the tradition of kissing his ring. The ring itself, called the Ring of The Fisherman, has served various practical purposes over the centuries, mostly as a seal for official papal documents, but it is its ceremonial role as an object of adoration and devotion that is its most enduring.
When first meeting the Pope, it is customary for visitors — both from the flock of the faithful and those otherwise committed — to kneel and place a full, wet kiss on the ring. In spite of decades of avoiding recognition of the Vatican’s political power, even American presidents now place their ostensibly secular lips on what one supposes by now has become a particularly crusty and foul-smelling bauble.
The Vatican, of course, occupies a prominent place in various New World Order conspiracy theories, both as alleged ally and supposed adversary of the world’s other shadow organizations, such as the Freemasons, the Bilderbergs, the Trilateral Commission, the Rosicrucians, and others too numerous to mention here. Even if these theories are completely without merit, the Vatican’s two millennia of secrecy and reportedly fabulous wealth serve to continually fuel them.
Given this general suspicion of the Pope and his minions, perhaps it’s not surprising that a new and disturbing allegation has been leveled against the Holy See. While most world leaders have taken care to limit their social contacts during the current Coronavirus pandemic, Pope Francis has instead chosen to maintain the tradition of having his ring kissed by all manner of visitors to the papal quarters in Rome. His holiness has reportedly begun to especially relish the procurement of another dose of “the saliva of the faithless” when an especially hostile or non-Catholic guest arrives, asking aides to “leave the traces of Satan” on the ring, rather than having it sterilized.
The reason for maintaining this now-dangerous tradition? One can’t say with any certainty, of course, but it could be a case militarizing a disease, a practice that Professor Quincy A. Wagstaff of Kings Hawaiian College, Peoria compared to the catapulting of diseased rats into the cities of besieged enemies during the years of the Black Plague. “I’m becoming convinced that every time the pontiff allows a world leader — or even their agents — to kiss his ring, he knows he is spreading the Coronavirus. He is doing it with purpose and intent. He wants to poison the heathen world, and kill as many non-believers with this plague as he possibly can.”
Asked why the Pope would risk potentially spreading the virus to millions of devout Catholics in these supposedly “heathen, secular” nations, Wagstaff surmises that the Vatican is unconcerned with collateral damage, no matter how vast. “The Church let all those alter boys get molested. Why would the Pope care about a few hundred million peasants worshiping cheap statues of the Virgin Mary?”
As a follow-up, Wagstaff was asked why he thought the Vatican allowed all of those boys to be abused. “What am I? The freaking Vicar of Christ here? How the hell should I know? Find your own goddamn answers about the meaning of life. I’m just trying to maintain tenure, fachrissakes. By the way, will this be published? Those bloodsucking regents want me to show up in more bibliographies.”