WASHINGTON, DC — President Donald Trump today threatened the “total annihilation” of the nation of Dystopia if they didn’t cease what he described as “really bad things.” He instructed the Joint Chiefs of Staff to “be ready to go at a moment’s notice,” although it was unclear where U.S. troops would “go” if summoned.
Speaking to pool reporters in the Rose Garden, Trump seemed angry and combative when asked for specifics on both the country and the supposed offenses of “Dystopia.” “I know it’s a bad place. Probably Communist. Or maybe Democratic. One of those bad systems. But we’re still trying to get more information. I’ve read about it. A lot of reading. In books. I have more books than anyone, really.”
Asked by CNN’s Molly Lefthander if he was aware that there is, in fact, no country named “Dystopia,” Trump shot back “fake news! We have the intelligence on it right here. You just don’t have access to it yet.” Asked by Fox’s Barney Feelharder if he thought Dystopia might be a real manifestation of a fictional dystopian society, Trump replied that “most of the people there are probably native Dystopians. But they have immigrants, too, you know. I’m not really sure if they have fictional troubles there or not. Golf still on for Saturday, Barney?”
Later in the day, analysts were still trying to piece together how the President may have come to use the word “dystopian” to reference an actual country. The New York Times‘ Sol Borrowords commented that “I can’t imagine he’s read any dystopian novels. I really can’t imagine he’s read any novels at all. Just last week, when asked about the Novel Coronavirus, he replied that he hadn’t yet read it, but intended to.”
Military activity, meanwhile, proceeded at a feverish pace. A DEFCON 4 state of readiness was being observed worldwide by U.S. armed forces, and troops were seen boarding littoral invasion craft at Newport News, VA. Asked where they were headed, a Marine sergeant who asked to remain anonymous said “we don’t give a shit. Personally, I just want to kick some Dystopian ass, if that’s really where this tin can is taking us. We take enough crap from these foreigners. Time for some payback, baby.”