MANZANAR NATIONAL HISTORIC SITE, CA — In a move cited by the Trump administration as “painful but necessary,” the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) today announced that all Americans of Chinese ancestry are hereby ordered to report for internment for an indeterminate period. The move is apparently a reaction to the general, if mostly debunked, consensus that the Coronavirus pandemic originated in China, and is somehow being spread more rapidly by those of Chinese descent.
They will be housed in the same camps used to intern Japanese-Americans during World War II, a move that’s certain to not only stir ugly memories, but fuel renewed charges of selective racism against the Trump administration. Speaking at a press conference held at the newly-reopened Manzanar Camp, east of Fresno, CA, acting FEMA head Pete Gaynor tried to assuage those fears. “This is strictly temporary, and it’s for their own safety, not just for the rest of us regular Americans. If you consider the potential backlash against Chinese people right now, it’s safer to have them here than allowing God-knows-what to happen to them at home.”
President Trump, in a typically rambling press conference at the White House, indicated that “this Chinese virus is a tragedy, especially for the Chinese. We just have to make sure they don’t spread it any more than they obviously already have. I’m sure they didn’t mean to, but just to be safe, we’ll give them a little vacation.”
Addressing the conditions at the almost 80 year-old camps, the president insisted that “everything will be great. These are like resorts. I’d stay there if I didn’t have my own resorts. I mean, these are so great. They can make chop suey and whatever else they like to eat, and the kids can play that game they like — what’s it called Stephanie? Chinese checkers? There’ll be some of that crazy music they seem to go for, and some other really, really great things. Perfect things, really.”
Trump added that “the safety of Americans is first and foremost. We’d love to be nice to everybody in this country, but sometimes, guests have to make sacrifices. It won’t be forever. At least we hope not. FEMA doesn’t have that much rice!” Asked why he referred to these American citizens as “guests,” Trump replied that “no matter what we call them, we love them. ‘Immigrants,’ ‘guests,’ ‘neighbors,’ ‘allies,’ ‘wetbacks,’ ‘coolies,’ whatever. We don’t care. We just want real Americans to have priority, but we love the Chinese. They’re one of our favorite minorities. And they make such great stuff.”
Eighth-generation American Heather Wong-Goldfarb, chief financial officer of a Fortune 500 ag-business company in Omaha, NE, was among the first arrivals as military buses full of internees began to show up at the Manzanar facility. Looking around, bewildered, Wong remarked that “this looks like Warsaw in the fall of 1939. Up goes the barbed wire, in come the Jews. Except, we’re not even Jews. And we’re not Polish. And we sure as hell ain’t Chinese. Jesus, my great-grandparents owned a Wonder Bread distributorship, but I was told by the guards that they’ll be serving chow mein three nights a week here at the camp. So, I’ve never had chow mein. What’s even in that crap?”