THE VILLAGES, FL — Despite the usual signs and the insistence of End Times theologians, Jesus of Nazareth indicated today that He will not, in fact, be returning soon.
Revered by many as the son of God — that deity known variously as Yahweh, Jehovah, Allah, and “Rusty” to His intimates — Jesus has been expected back ever since making a brief appearance in Judea during the first century, CE. His return, although prophesied, has never been pinpointed with any accuracy.
Interviewed at His vacation home in this gated Florida retirement community, Mr. Christ explained both His current status and His reasons for not returning to the faithful at this time. “It’s hard enough getting here every November from Heaven. The traffic is ridiculous between here and there.”
Asked where “there” is, exactly, Mr. Christ claimed that “Heaven moves around a lot. The old man keeps moving to a bigger place, because humans just won’t stop dying. He needs the room.” Pressed for an exact location, Jesus would only say that its current whereabouts is “a big secret, as usual. The old man has enough dead people showing up on his doorstep every day without some nosy astronauts showing up, too. Besides, if I told you, He’d have moved it by the time you schmucks got there anyway. Let’s just say it’s somewhere between Peoria and the Large Magellanic Cloud.
“Regardless, it’s a helluva trip — excuse the expression — for me every year just to get to Florida, let alone to where the living actually live.” Asked to clarify why he didn’t consider Florida to be a part of the present dimension, Mr. Christ added that “Florida is what you humans call Hell. Or at least the most comfortable manifestation of it. The people here are all dead. Nicely tanned, but quite dead.”
One reporter, confused why Jesus would spend winters in Hell, was told that “it’s warmer here, for one thing. And Pops closed all the golf courses in Heaven. Besides, I’m Jewish. Even when we’re dead, we come down here for the winter.
“But, dammit, I’m not returning to the Land of the Living anytime soon, that’s for sure. Have you seen the gas prices? Holy me! Can you imagine the fuel it takes to get to the Third Dimension from ‘up there,’ or even from Florida?
“I mean, we’re pretty well-off but it’s not like we have unlimited resources. Dad and I have been unemployed for over 7,000 years. We live on those collection plate envelopes and some online work the old man does, but mostly we cash those checks from Joel Osteen every month. It helps, for God’s sake, but it doesn’t allow me the luxury of unlimited gas. Not at these rates.
“I’ll be back eventually, of course. Probably when the Mexicans have taken over the United States. Or maybe when Israel stops screwing around. But you can be sure it won’t be while gas is five bucks a gallon. This chariot burns premium, baby.
“Anyway, Sarte was right: Hell IS other people. And that’s probably the main reason I haven’t been in any hurry to come back to visit my flock all these years.” Mr. Christ indicated that there would be signs preceding any actual return to humanity. “No, not wars and plagues and pestilence or any of that Revelations drek. There’ll be emails sent. To everyone. Trust me. Keep checking your spam folders.”