WASHINGTON, DC — U.S. Senator Kyrsten Sinema, formerly a Democrat representing the state of Arizona, has recently left the party to become an independent. Fellow Democrats, of course, were quick to condemn the move as disloyal and short-sighted.
Sinema also famously identifies as a bisexual, which some critics contend only confirms her indecisiveness about all matters, political and otherwise. Sinema has countered that she was simply bored with the status quo of being a “knee-jerk liberal,” and actually finds all political persuasions to be equally “smoking and sexy.”
Sinema elaborated on her motives for the switch. “I was getting kind of worked up reading about some of those coalition parliamentary systems in Europe. You know, where two or more parties get in bed together and form a government? God, that’s so hot. They have no shame about their feelings for each other, despite their differences. Why should I?”
Asked if this shaky analogy was meant to explain her seeming lack of discernment in both affections and partisan loyalty, Sinema shot back that “I’m VERY loyal! I’m just loyal to everyone! Well, everyone who’s attractive and willing, of course. Lots of Republicans are super-attractive, for instance.”
Noted literary figure and fellow bisexual Cardi B offered that “maybe she (Sinema) finally be gettin’ it. Y’all don’t have to live on just one kinda stink.” Perhaps pondering the differences between booty and politics, she paused and wondered if “that girl ain’t really gonna be votin’ with them Trumpers, now, is she?”
Singer, songwriter and actress Lady Gaga, another “out” bisexual, seemed upset with Sinema’s lack of focus. “Unlike that bitch, I don’t try to be all things to all people. It’s not like I’ve ever tried to be anything other than a marginal ‘singer-slash-songwriter-slash-actress’. You’ll never see me identifying as anything other than those three things. I swear. Well, maybe that and ‘artist-slash-author-slash-celebrity chef-slash-big game hunter-slash-aviatrix’. But that’s it!”
Carlos Beltran, famous switch-hitter for eight different major league teams, likened Sinema’s crossing of the Senatorial plate to a hitter who can’t decide whether the pitcher is a lefty or a righty. “She no seem to get that she have to pick. One side or the other. Otherwise, you get hit in face with rising fastball. Face go splat. You fall down. Face no mas.”
Sinema, while declining to caucus with Senate Republicans, seems to have at least piqued that party’s interest in possibly gaining an ally. “She’s as wishy-washy as any of us on this side of the aisle,” offered Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC), adding that “I just wish she wasn’t so open about her sexuality. I mean, I’ve managed to fool the good people of South Carolina for years now, and there’s no reason to spoil a good thing with all this truth tellin’. Excuse me, but I have an appointment in five minutes in the Senate men’s washroom. I’ll be filibustering a nice young man from Charleston!”
Sinema, in an apparent attempt to appease her old Democratic cronies, issued a statement indicating that “I still love all of you. Equally and with all of my being. I just wish I could have seen more of you naked before I crossed the aisle. Jesus, did I just let that slip out? Anyway, I haven’t really crossed the aisle, since I don’t believe in aisles, metaphorically or otherwise. But you know what I mean. I’m bipartisan, bisexual and bilateral! I’ll see you on the floor of the Senate. Or on the floor of my townhouse in Georgetown! Many of you already have the address. And the keys.”