WASHINGTON, DC — President Biden elaborated today on the rumored ban of gas stoves by proposing bans on dozens of other home appliances deemed harmful. The gas stove ban was purported to be a national version of one proposed in California, ostensibly to curb harmful fumes in homes and to stem the production of greenhouse gases and atmospheric pollution.
Rather than quashing the alleged gas stove proposal as internet drivel, White House press secretary Karine Jean-Pierre unexpectedly doubled down on it by announcing the President’s support for a sweeping prohibition of dozens of household items many would consider both ubiquitous and benign. “We feel that things like toasters, vacuum cleaners, air conditioners, Philips screwdrivers, scissors, butter knives, can openers, cheese graters, refrigerators, coffeemakers and spatulas are harmful to Americans and their planet in real and obvious ways.”
Asked why, for example, a spatula would be considered dangerous, Jean-Pierre responded by asking “would you want your son spanking his high school cheerleader girlfriend with one as part of some weird, kinky sex ritual? We think most Americans want the President to protect them and their children from bad influences and temptations. Besides, you can flip an egg with a debit card. Or a 45 r.p.m. vinyl record. We will be banning, of course, long-playing 33 r.p.m. records. They’re too long-winded, and the grooves probably cause cancer.”
Speaking directly to reporters later in the day, the president fleshed out some of his motives for wanting to ban these items, specifically vacuum cleaners and toasters. “Vacuum cleaners suck, literally,” offered Biden — to the collective groans and boos of the assembled journalists, “and they literally suck all the air from the room. Much like these sorts of legislative proposals. Breathe easy, my friends, and buy a broom. Or one of those weird, push-along carpet sweeper things like my mother used. You know the ones, where the crap from the floor ends up in the box. They still make those, right?
“As for toasters, it should be obvious that any item promoting a high-carb lifestyle should be made illegal. That was kind of our feeling in suggesting a ban on butter knives, too. And you could put out an eye with one of those things, fachrissakes.”
It is presumed that once this proposal becomes law, the White House building itself will be stripped of gas stoves, refrigerators, and its entire air conditioning system. Presumptive 2024 Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump countered that “I love appliances. I’m never giving mine up, and I have some of the best appliances ever. Really premium stuff. If they remove all that stuff from the White House, I suppose we’ll have to move the executive mansion back down to Mar-a-Lago. Hell, it was there for four years and nobody really noticed. Well, those morons in the red hats didn’t, anyway.”
That evening, after his requisite nap and Vitamin B injection, Biden issued a clarification, wherein he seemed to have tempered his proposal. “Did I say ‘no more air conditioners’? I meant ‘go for hair conditioners.’ Jill was heading to Walgreen’s, and I needed some Brylcreem. Did I mention that she’s a doctor? Are you people from Reader’s Digest? Does anyone know if we’re having meat loaf tonight? Boy, I like meat loaf.”