THE WHITE HOUSE — Already reeling from charges of racism following his characterization of the COVID-19 Coronavirus as the “Chinese virus,” U.S. President Donald Trump today seemed to be counter-punching hard when he offered a new twist on his opinion of the origins of the illness.
“I’m the least racist man you’ll ever meet,” said Trump, adding “but I know a racist fever when I see one. The fake news has decided I’m racist because I rightly called the Coronavirus ‘Chinese,’ and not Mexican. I know the lefties and commies in Congress might find this hard to believe, but the germs that cause this thing are the racists. Not me!
“These little Corona cooties go after Negroes, Mexicans, I-ranians, I-talians and even — now get this — the Chinese. Maybe it’s only fair, since those Chinese heathens invented it, but I think the press owes me an apology when it’s pretty obvious that these Corona bugs hate almost everyone who isn’t a regular American.”
Asked why he thought these “Corona cooties” had it in for non-whites, Trump offered that “there are fine diseases for all races. Great diseases. Some really perfect diseases if you think about the number of diseases we have available to people of color in America today. Many of my colored-American friends have some the best diseases. They get the sickle cell, the diabetes, and they really, really seem to be happy with those.
“What strikes me as the height of racism is the fact that this Corona thing is going after those darker peoples. The same people who already have their own, truly great illnesses. I’m just surprised that the Chinese think I’m being racist when it’s the yellower and browner people who seem to be dying the fastest. The Chinese already have the yellow fever, don’t they? Like that’s my fault?”
Assessing the readiness of the U.S. health system, Trump offered an analogy with Chinese fire drills. “We’ve been running around like whatever goes in that crap they like to eat. We need to do better. I blame Obama. And Kung Pao chicken.”
After meeting with the press, President Trump flew to his Mar-a-Lago resort for a week of golfing with guest Jackie Chan.