NEW YORK, NY — Citing concerns about the Coronovirus pandemic, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell announced today that the 2020 NFL Draft will be held in one of the large, public men’s rest rooms in the crumbling Los Angeles Coliseum. Home to the Rams in two different tenancies — and host stadium to Super Bowl I — the hulking relic now survives strictly as the home of the USC’s hapless Trojans football squad.
“The layout is ideal for this,” insisted Goodell. We can have the press, and a few hundred spectators, scattered over the vast expanse of the 77,000 seats still in use anymore, thereby distancing everyone safely. We’ll show the actual draft out there on the big screen. In the men’s room, there are — serendipitously — 31 stalls, one for each team. So, each team can have their GM safely operate in their respective stall, and he can communicate with his staff via phone from there.”
When reminded that there are, in fact, 32 teams in league, Goodell offered that “the Lions can use any of the 27 urinals, plus the sinks. Their drafts usually end up pissing people off anyway. Might as well keep all the overspray out on the terrazzo, if you know what I mean.
“And, as anyone can see, the place is a wreck. We won’t have to worry about overcrowding. Who wouldn’t want to social-distance in a shit-hole like this? We’re pretty confident that most folks will simply stay away.
“It’ll be exciting,” Goodell continued. “As each team’s pick comes up, their GM can burst out of his stall with his pants around his ankles, screaming ‘there’s no fucking toilet paper in there — just give me Tua so I can go ahead and wipe my ass!’ It’ll be great.”
Several teams, like the Browns and the Giants, expressed their approval of the plan. “Most of our draft picks end up in the crapper anyway” said Cleveland GM Andrew Berry, “so we might as well start the whole process there.”
“Smells like the parking lot at the Meadowlands after a night game” opined Dave Gettleman of the Giants, interviewed while inspecting the LA facility. “It’s perfect.” As if to both signal his approval and mark his territory, Gettleman vomited profusely in one of the stalls, screaming “dibs! dibs!” as he stumbled for the exit.
One of the few contrarian views was offered by Detroit Lions head man Bob Quinn, who seemed less impressed than some of his peers, and was reportedly in tears after first hearing of the plan. “We’re all about the Patriot Way here in Detroit. Coach Belichick won’t like this at all.” Reminded that he doesn’t work for the New England organization any more, and hasn’t for several years, Quinn insisted that “we all work for the Patriots. We always have. We always will.”
The draft will be televised as usual, with several “surprises” promised by Goodell. And what self-respecting sports fan doesn’t like a good men’s room surprise? The broadcast sponsor list has been revised somewhat, with Roto-Rooter, Flomax and Liquid Plumr being announced as late additions. In a parting shot, the Giants’ Gettleman joked that “as long as we’re doing ours here in the shitter, maybe the Mets can hold the baseball draft over there in Flushing Meadows. With this pandemic thing, we’ll all be one goddamn flush away from bankruptcy anyway.”