LAGOS, NIGERIA — Taylor Swift, currently hiding in one of her eight palatial homes in the U.S. and abroad, may hold a clue to a possible immunity from the COVID-19 pandemic. Famous for her vapid, self-absorbed music and her stiff, overtly artificial visual style, the latter aspect may actually be protecting her from becoming infected with Coronavirus.
Dr. Jawanta E. Tabigwan, chief of epidemiological cosmetic surgery at M’Gimme Datmama Memorial Discount Medical Center here in Lagos, Nigeria, has recently discovered a link between heavy makeup and viral immunity. Dr. Tabigwan, who has been at the forefront of viral research and rhinoplasty studies on the African continent for many years, noticed that Swift had not yet contracted COVID-19, and wondered why.
Marshaling his research skills, and summoning the anecdotal evidence gleaned during years of performing cut-rate plastic surgeries on second-tier Eastern European pop singers, Dr. Tabigwan began to assemble a controversial theory. Could the many pounds of foundation, color and various other sundry goop and glop on Taylor Swift’s face actually be creating an antiviral shield of some sort?
Dr. Tabigwan further noted that Swift’s utterly unnatural appearance may be confusing the virus into thinking that she’s not a suitable human host. “She just looks weird,” notes the doctor, adding that he thinks the singer “looks like a skanky Martian hooker. The virus obviously doesn’t want to live inside a Martian, and it’s typically not horny enough to want to pay for sex, even sex with slutty aliens in patent leather hot pants.” Apparently hoodwinked, the virus typically moves on to another potential human host.
Asked why other, more natural-looking celebrities have managed to thus far stay healthy, Dr. Tabigwan surmises that they’re either asymptomatic, or are using other means to fool the virus. The doctor posits that U.S. President Donald Trump, for instance, remains virus-free because the disease doesn’t consider his low intelligence to be at minimal human levels. “They hear him speak, or read his tweets, and they assume he’s an unremarkable life form, probably plant-based.”
Reminded of Trump’s bizarre comb-over, the doctor adds that it simply further disguises his humanity from the COVID-19. Asked who, conversely, he thought might be the most susceptible to the virus, Tabigwan suggested that the cast of “Naked and Afraid” should, in fact, be afraid. “Very afraid.”
Taylor Swift, through a spokes-singer, has replied to Dr. Tabigwan’s theory with a song, cryptically titled “You Lied About My Face and Now I Hate You Like I Hate Liver, O Cruel Doctor.” Music experts are debating its meaning, with more than a few thinking that it’s another veiled reference to Kanye West.