Madonna’s Explicit NFT Inspires Other Celeb Cryptocurrency

Jim Bob Piwnicki
Jim Bob Piwnicki
Trained the old way, by semi-literate men with crappy typewriters, hopped up on benzedrine and Chesterfields, Piwnicki now fancies himself a real reporter. Whatever.

HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA — Madonna has entered the world of personalized, non-fungible tokens (NFT) — or cryptocurrency — with a splash. She has joined other celebrities like Snoop Dogg, Eminem, Paris Hilton and Ellen DeGeneres in creating original, digital “art” that can be bought and sold as blockchain code online, and traded like any other cryptocurrency.

Maddening to people over 50, but irresistible to those young enough to appreciate its lure, “crypto” has become the latest way to lose money in a market already rife with all manner of derivatives, exchange-traded funds, investment trusts and other temptations. Bitcoin is the most famous, but hardly the only NFT available to adventurous investors.

Any idea, image or other digital asset can be expressed as the often-mysterious “blockchain” code, the language that allows for these sorts of assets to exist and prosper. Celebrities, always eager to find innovative ways to stay relevant, have jumped at the opportunity to market themselves using this new asset.

Madonna, following the lead of others who have created crypto out of photos and original art, has joined the frenzy by marketing an NFT depicting her fully and explicitly nude, with various objects emanating from her quite-used vagina. Sold individually as part of a collection called “Mother of Creation,” they were trading this week at prices approaching $20,000.00 each.

Fighting the logical urge to consider anything Madonna touches to have jumped the shark, other celebrities have decided to follow her lead, now that it seems clear that even washed-up 60-something entertainers can sell personalized tokens. Given their age, however, some seem understandably unclear on the whole concept of trading non-fungible code assets online.

Rolling Stones front man Mick Jagger, desperately trying to remain hip in a world that passed him by 40 years ago, has announced that his own lips will be available as crypto this week. When asked how he intended to secure, market and deliver an actual body part in a digital environment, the 78 year-old former pop icon seemed a bit confused, but indicated that “I’m sure someone will want to buy them. Most of the folks who show up at our concerts have fake body parts by now, so there’s a buyer out there somewhere. Hell, if that hag Madonna can sell her quim online, I can certainly sell my lips.”

Director, actor and screenwriter Mel Brooks, about to turn 96, announced the issue of “Loxcoins,” pieces of smoked salmon signed by the creator of The Producers, Blazing Saddles and many other iconic movie and stage comedies of a by-gone era. “I also have half a pastrami sandwich that was left on a plate at Katz’s Delicatessen by Sid Caesar in 1956. If I cut it into enough pieces, I’m thinking it could bring in millions online. I’m hoping that my Noshcoin will be out soon”

The most clueless of these elder-coins might be that of stock market sage Warren Buffet. Long a critic of the NFT phenomenon, Buffet has been skewered as out-of-touch by crypto’s most ardent supporters. Buffet announced today that his Berkshire-Hathaway investment house has issued non-fungible “two for one coupons, redeemable at any Howard Johnson’s restaurant. Bidding will commence at $10,000.00 each.”

Reminded that the Howard Johnson chain has been extinct for years, Buffet shot back that “I should know whether I’ve been eating fried clams or not. They’re a fine investment. Buy and hold, damn it! Buy and hold! I’m the goddamn Oracle of Omaha!” As nurses wheeled him away towards the men’s room, he offered a parting observation. “Well, I bought, but I can’t hold any more.”

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