Abe Vigoda Dead of Coronavirus.

Jim Bob Piwnicki
Jim Bob Piwnicki
Trained the old way, by semi-literate men with crappy typewriters, hopped up on benzedrine and Chesterfields, Piwnicki now fancies himself a real reporter. Whatever.

Actor Abe Vigoda has died of the Coronavirus, sources tell The Post-Industrial Post. He was 87. Or 94. Or 98. Or 115. Best known as Tessio in “The Godfather” movies and as Detective Fish on the 1970’s “Barney Miller” sitcom and its “Fish” spinoff, Vigoda has died several times in the last 35 years or so.

Vigoda first died in 1982, when People magazine pronounced him dead at the age of 60. He died again several times over the ensuing years, despite remaining in remarkably good health. Vigoda’s doctor once quipped, “Abe will outlive — and outdie — most people alive today. He’s got a lot of life for a dead guy. Besides, once you’ve died already, what’s gonna kill you?”

After enduring at least a dozen other deaths, Vigoda’s health finally declined precipitously in 2016, and he failed to wake up on January 26th of that year. While this seemed to be a serious, chronic death, he continued to die every month or so for the next three years, only resting in seeming peace in 2019. With Vigoda’s frequent-death syndrome in apparent remission, today’s news came as a shock to his friends and his fans.

Asked how he caught the Coronavirus while buried, Vigoda’s son Magilla guessed that “all those creeps walking around Manhattan wearing masks scared the crap out of him. His immune system just shut down.” In a note left for his agent, Vigoda said, simply, “tell Michael it was just business.” At press time, family members were still trying to decipher the seemingly cryptic testament.

Vigoda will be buried, for the seventh time, in an urn behind the men’s room toilet tank in Louis’ Restaurant in Brooklyn. Mourners were being urged to “try the veal. It’s the best in the city.”

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