Japanese Pixelated Porn Blamed for Population Decline Cited in Musk Tweet

Jim Bob Piwnicki
Jim Bob Piwnicki
Trained the old way, by semi-literate men with crappy typewriters, hopped up on benzedrine and Chesterfields, Piwnicki now fancies himself a real reporter. Whatever.

TOKYO, JAPAN — An ongoing decline in Japan’s population was spotlighted by an alarmist Elon Musk tweet today. Tesla CEO Musk, in typically provocative and lightly-researched fashion, posted on Twitter that Japan would “eventually cease to exist” if its population decline isn’t reversed in real and timely ways. While nobody disputes that this dramatic drop in population is real, the causes remain as vague as promises of black ink on a Tesla quarterly report.

As much of Asia struggles with massive overpopulation, and sees zero-population growth as a lofty but largely unfulfilled goal, Japan has seen a steady decline in its net quantity of human bodies since early in the 21st century. The smart money seems to blame Japanese pornography as the likely culprit.

Unlike much of the West, Japan has fairly strict legal limits on what can be shown in the smut consumed by horny Japanese males. Where full-frontal nudity, graphic genital insertion, ejaculation and all manner of variation can be shown and enjoyed by lusty American and European viewers, video filth in the Land of the Rising Sun is forced to pixelate genitalia, edit out any hints of penetration and steer clear of even the tamest sort of fringe subject matter.

Interviewed while pulling up his overalls at the “Adult World” bookstore, peep show and rubber goods outlet in Mungbean Falls, South Dakota, patron Orville Quimfelter opined that “I can barely get it up now, after eating four Wendy’s triples and downing a liter of Four Roses, but can you imagine trying to polish your corncob looking at nothing but pixels? I mean, come on! Those poor Jap bastards. Anyway, I gotta run. The wife thinks I’m looking at tire chains up at Tractor Supply.”

in addition to having to overcome legal barriers, Japanese men have always had an unhealthy attraction to hentai, that bizarre brand of homegrown pornography often centered on child-like characters and fairy tale story lines. Hentai is probably most disturbing in its modern anime manifestation, wherein animated cartoon characters take the place of live action actors in depicting pre-pubescent sexual fantasies. Japanese authorities apply the same sorts of restrictions to this animated smut as they do the “normal” versions using actual humans.

It’s no surprise then, that Japanese men are apparently less interested in sex and, by extension, procreation than they used to be. It doesn’t take Masters or Johnson to conclude that watching bunny-like cartoon characters have cute and cuddly sex using pixelated appendages doesn’t get the blood flowing south like a wholesome, Western live-action triple penetration video does. Especially one featuring plenty of male and female ejaculate flying about in a hackneyed-but-still-thrilling conclusion.

Another reason for modern Japanese males losing interest in procreation can be traced to the current generation’s lack of an equivalent to a sexual stimulant enjoyed by their fathers and grandfathers, that of the “Comfort Woman.” This refers to a particular practice of the Imperial Japanese Army during the wars against China and later, the United States and its allies during the 1937-45 period.

These “Comfort Women” were captured female civilians — mostly Chinese but also including those from all captive and/or combatant nations — kept as sex slaves by the invading Japanese forces. While the ethics of this have been decided by succeeding generations, and many Japanese officers were executed for their role in perpetuating the system, some have posited that a seldom-cited benefit was to keep the Japanese population rate growing, even in the face of Allied bombing and massive civilian deaths at home.

Anthropologist Dr. Harry Pferdschwanz-Reems has offered that “while it’s certainly deplorable that the ‘Comfort Women’ were abused in this fashion, it stimulated the Imperial Japanese soldiers to an extent that not only did they impregnate these concubines at a prodigious rate, they also performed Herculean breeding duties with their wives and sweethearts while home on leave.”

Asked if he was suggesting that capturing foreign sex slaves was a solution to Japan’s population woes, the professor clarified that “I would never advocate non-consensual slavery as a remedy for any national problem, but coercing certain tourists to pay those exorbitant Tokyo parking fines, customs duties and fines from other civil offenses by submitting to a term of ‘sexual indenture,’ might indeed be useful to all parties.”

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