Have any of you noticed this seemingly new propensity for kids — mostly those in the middle school through high school age range — to gravitate to nice, green, neatly-mowed lawns, and wantonly walk right across them?
I’d never heard of such a thing until recently, when I had a new batch of sod installed to replace my fading front grass. Suddenly, it seemed like every kid in the neighborhood wanted to take a shortcut across my nice, new, luxuriant green lawn. Living on a corner lot, of course, makes it doubly tempting, but what sorts of parents allow their children to track across private lawns like that? Where are the morals? The ethics? The sense of common decency? To say nothing of any modicum of respect for fine bentgrass and fescue.
In my day, a halcyon era which included both Watergate and the growth of suburbia, we were taught to respect a man’s lawn above all other property. Without being explicit, our parents instilled in us the idea that when — as happens with most men — nature shortchanges them in regard to the relative size of their genitalia, these same, otherwise-deprived men express their God-given masculinity in the next-best way: through the cultivation and maintenance of a fine, green lawn.
The editorial board of The Post-Industrial Post feels that it’s high time for a return to the mores of the past, when a man’s lawn was tantamount to his terrestrial birthright, and all due respect was afforded it, even by the youngest and most immature members of society. In my parents’ time, for instance, a youngster caught traipsing across a man’s lawn could — and often was — castrated for a first offense, and cooked and eaten for a second.
So, hey! You kids! We needn’t stress this in more eloquent terms than this: stay off of our goddamn lawns! This, of course, is not necessarily the opinion of our advertisers or affiliates. You know who you are: the schmucks with really crappy lawns.