As Americans cope with shortages due to the hoarding and general panic associated with the spread of the Coronavirus, the editorial staff of The Post-Industrial Post thought it might be helpful to offer a few tips on coping with the scarcity of one product in particular: toilet paper.
As we panic more, a natural, physical reaction to stress is to have more frequent bowel movements. Being analytical creatures, we suppose that others might have this same reaction, so it follows that most of us with a sense of responsibility have decided that it’s best to stock up on as much fluffy toilet tissue as possible. A laudable goal, given our propensity for “prepping.” Healthy over-reaction to stimuli and adherence to various conspiracy theories are as typically American as paranoia and televangelists. Why then, should anyone be surprised that we simply don’t trust any sort of nebulous “supply chain” to provide our everyday rectal wiping needs?
But, what if our neighbors all have this same reaction to the COVID-19 pandemic, and there simply isn’t any toilet paper left to hoard? Do what our pioneer ancestors did! Improvise and show self-sufficiency. The brave men and women who settled the West didn’t spend months traveling through Indian-infested swamps, mountains and prairies in luxury. Quite the opposite, actually. And, when it came to to tidy up after nature’s inevitable, daily call? A corncob, the back of a hand or a freshly-procured Indian scalp made quick work of a reasonable amount of anal soil that might’ve been left behind after the grunting passage of the refuse from a low-fiber diet of beans, coffee and bison fat.
Nobody in those pioneer times waited for a store to be re-stocked, a shipment to arrive at Costco or an Amazon Prime driver to show up with refills of personal hygiene items. Our forefathers stole what they needed from fellow settlers, Mexicans and Indians, or they invented a solution. Historians tell us that after the last bullet was fired in the Mexican War, part of the United States’ vast booty and plunder from its military adventure against Santa Anna were warehouses full of tortillas. Used to a diet of hardtack and sawdust biscuits, the more refined discs of fried corn flour were too exotic for the tastes of most 19th century Americans. Instead, in typical Yankee fashion, they repurposed them. Derrieres were spotless in the southwest for years afterward, until the last of the stockpile was exhausted sometime in the 1870s.
We recommend these same tactics in these trying times. We’re Americans. Let’s show some real pioneer know-how and perseverance when it’s time to wipe. Perhaps your neighbor’s garage is unlocked. Check it out late tonight. He might have several rolls. Or, maybe the local supermarket still has plenty of frozen waffles or English muffins. Thawed, those nooks and crannies can hold a lot of otherwise pesky leave-behinds. Or, simply cut back on the daily buffing, polishing and maintenance of a body part that — let’s be honest — is just going to get dirty again.
While we can’t condone anything illegal, we can remind you that an effete observance of statute ain’t really in our DNA, historically. Be safe, America, and stay as clean as you can. But be strong!
So, who wants tossed salad?